Life is good. I’d compare mine to a rollercoaster so far, with my fair share of both highs and lows, which is obviously common for most people. Although from an outside perspective my experience so far may look pretty normal, it has been quite the opposite, and I’m excited to use it to help others. As an athlete, your sport becomes a large part of who you are, and when things go well, it can certainly add a little hop in your step on a daily basis. Around the Summer of 2017, things changed fast, and I most certainly had that hop in my step. Being recruited by my dream school and a few others at a young age, I felt as if my hard work was paying off and my dreams were beginning to slowly become my reality. I was excited to get the season started with my teammates and take advantage of my new opportunities. As a person, I do most things on a daily basis with a smile on my face and with lots of energy. A demeanor instilled in me by my grandmother, that while working hard, fun is the best thing you can have. I carried this with me into school, relationships with friends, and almost everywhere I went. My friends, teachers, coaches, and pretty much anyone who knows me can attest to this. Athletics was no different. The17-18 season began after a month or two of excitement and waiting, yet early in the year I noticed something different in myself. I didn’t have that same hop, or amount of energy I was accustomed to. I did what I could to help this, eating the right food, doing extra workouts, and getting to bed on time. Nothing could shake this low feeling I was experiencing on a daily basis. I felt like a shell of myself and was extremely frustrated, regardless of what action I took, I always felt flat out terrible. The season progressed and I strung together work that was below average to my personal standards both athletically and academically. This was very hard for me. Obviously concerned with the way this new feeling was affecting my life, I searched for answers, to no avail. I kept the way I was feeling hidden from all of those around me, even my family, because I was afraid of all of the possibilities. A month or two after the season concluded this low feeling started to subside and my performance both on the ice and in the classroom marginally improved and I began again living up to my own expectations. I chalked it up as a bad year, “everyone has one” I would often tell myself, in an attempt to forget what had transpired. The summer was great, I felt like myself on a daily basis and had fun at the rink, at home, and generally things felt normal, like they always have. For the next year, I had made the decision to go to prep school at The Winchendon School, with a great coaching staff, and a great bunch of new friends, I was excited for a comeback year. The year progressed almost identically to the year before, I started to have that low feeling, almost like I didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning and a general sadness, which greatly impacted almost every area of my life. I would ask myself everyday, “Why do I feel sad? I have nothing to feel bad about.” I had never been a kid to be unhappy for more than an hour, so this feeling was extremely new to me. This feeling got worse and worse and impacted me worse than the year prior. I was a shell of myself at this time, rarely leaving my room to see friends, barely participating in class, and generally did not have the smile that I had with me everyday before. I didn’t even want to go to the rink. This was the most frustrating and honestly difficult time of my life, I reached a very low point. I questioned myself, my ability, and generally felt like I wasn’t the same person as before. One day, I had enough, I made the decision I couldn’t allow this to dictate my life any longer, I wanted control back. Through some tears I was open about what was going on with my family, who completely supported me throughout the entire process. We were still far from answers, but talking made me have hope. The same as the year past, a month or two after my season, I was back to feeling like Ben. I enjoyed every day at Winchendon that spring. One day I worked up enough courage to talk to my assistant coach, Drew Michals, about my experience, which was the best decision I had made in a long time. He told me he knew something was off and has supported me in the process since that day, which I’ll forever be grateful for. Summer came and it was probably the best summer I had ever had athletically, I dedicated all of my time to the rink and gym getting ready for the season. I loved The Winchendon School, and it will always have a place in my heart, but after such a tough year mentally, I felt like a change of scenery would be best for me. My family and I decided on the South Kent School and again I was excited to finally put the past behind me. In the back of my mind I always knew that it could have been depression or something as such, but I thought I could let time beat it. I was sick to my stomach when that terrible feeling returned a few weeks into my time at South Kent. It was the worst it had ever been, yet my determination to fix it was also at its peak. The turning point came around Christmas time. I was sitting in Physiology class, when my teacher began discussing Seasonal Affective Disorder, better known as seasonal depression. It felt like in a movie when a lightbulb would go on over a characters head. I called my family and told them what I had discovered. Still battling this feeling, I waited a few weeks until Christmas break. I returned home, and for the first time in my entire life, I was beyond excited for a doctor’s appointment. I had discussed this feeling before with my doctor, but I could never really describe it. Using my new knowledge I finally had the words. I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), and weirdly was really pumped about it. Even though I discovered that I had something to take care of, for the first time, I knew how. It’s pretty easy, all I had to do was sit in front of this special light on a daily basis that mimics sun exposure, as SAD is a result of a low amount of sunlight preventing your body from producing enough serotonin (the chemical in your brain that makes you happy) and too much melatonin (the chemical in your brain that makes you sleepy). I came back from Christmas break feeling like myself both at the rink and in the classroom. My grades went back up to where I was accustomed to having them, and at the rink my performance finally was able to meet my own standards again, with my statistics proving to be well over a point per game after the break, a marginal increase from the months prior. Everyday became fun, and I finally got that permanent grin back on my face, which was most important to me. At the end of the day, school ends, hockey ends, but what remains is the memories, and I was most thankful for the ability to continue to create those memories at the best of my ability, with a smile on my face. This experience left with me a unique feeling, although I had finally found answers to my own questions, I felt like my work was not yet done. When I was going through these times, I put a mask on to those around me. Now I wonder how many kids around me are wearing that same mask? This motivated me to do anything I could to help end the stigma around mental health, and help anyone going through a similar situation that I was. When I began to tell my friends what had happened, I felt the weight of the world off my shoulders. This feeling gave me the thought, create a place where athletes can speak upon what they are going through mentally, whether it be a slump or a mental illness. Anonymously or not, the platform gives them the opportunity to get support from others, and truly shows that they are not alone. I never could have gotten through this process alone, it took a village for me, every kid should have that support if they need it. For so long I viewed expressing the way I felt as a sign of weakness, when in actuality it is a true symbol of strength. Writing this piece and helping others has been therapeutic for me, helping others realize that it is okay to not be okay, and that with help things can only get better has made me feel one million times better than if I just sat back, swept my period of struggle under the rug, and moved forward like nothing happened. I am thankful for what I went through, it made me more mature and more experienced than I ever could have imagined, and truly prepared me to make those athletic and academic dreams I discussed earlier a reality. As I resume my journey in chasing those dreams, I want others to get back control of their own path, and if this is a way to help them with that, one of my dreams will most certainly be a reality.
Athletes Helping Athletes
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